She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
