I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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