I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
