I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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