I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I got a message the other day that just said “great titsâ€
A gentleman AND a scholar
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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