Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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