I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
