You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
