Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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