apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
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My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
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new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize