hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
