when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
