There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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