she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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