Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
