So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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