Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
