apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
