Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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