Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
