i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
