My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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