Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
