for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
