Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
