So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
