How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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