How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
