Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
