dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
try to milk me bitch
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
