you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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