Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
