I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
