What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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