So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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