Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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