if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
