Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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