she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
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His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
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I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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