watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize