I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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