Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
