I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
