There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
