She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He? As in you personified your dick?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
