I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
me + whiskey = a bad person
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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