her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
