If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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