The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
this just has baby written all over it
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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