I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
