Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
