Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
