im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
