see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
