he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
